These are difficult times we are experiencing right now, and especially for those who have lost someone they love. Many cannot say goodbye to them, nor can they say goodbye to their family and friends together. We want to dedicate this text to them and to those who accompany them at the moment.
It is not easy to accompany in suffering, and human beings sometimes try to flee from manifestations of sadness, resorting to well-intentioned phrases ("life goes on, you have to overcome" ...) that only accentuate the pain and that the person feels worse.
And we are not prepared, we do not know what to do before our own pain or before others. Therefore, if you are currently accompanying a family member or friend who has lost a loved one, we would like you to read this letter that the writer Jorge Bucay captured in his recommended book “El camino de las lagrimas”. In one of his chapters, Bucay exposes a letter in which a woman in mourning writes to his best friend about what he really needs from his right now. I hope it sheds a little light on you.
Please, I want you to know that I need you to hold me, even if I don't ask you and even if I sometimes say no. I may not be able to ask you for help at the moment because I am too stunned, but I always need to know that you are there.
You should know that I do not expect you to make me feel good, nor that you make my pain disappear. At this time no one can.
What I need is for you to help me calm down, to accept my pain and to be wise enough to bear your helplessness when I don't let you help me.
If you can't call me because you can't bear your pain or don't want to bear mine, tell me. I will understand it better than if you make excuses of all kinds. I hope you can understand my anger and forgive my desire to do things. It is not you or the others that make me angry. It is knowing that I have lost forever the one I loved the most. Don't try to avoid my tears, seeing me cry can be hard for you, but it is a healthy way to express a little of my grief.
I assure you that crying is good for me, so when you find me crying try to sit next to me and let me cry next to you, that will be a great comfort. Do not try to settle by comparing my pain with other worse ones, my pain is mine and not transferable.
Don't tell me what happened was because "God intended it." Hearing this doesn't comfort me right now and only adds spiritual confusion and desolation to what I feel. Don't tell me "I imagine how you feel." Nobody can. In any case, please, ask me how I feel today and I will try to tell you.
Don't ask me to leave this behind, forget, and move on with my life. This is my life and understand me if I cannot share the happy moments that you are living. I would like to be able to. If you really want to do something with me, try offering me a free hour. I am too hurt to be able to think beyond today or to decide on an attractive program.
I need to mourn. I need to be me, and I need not to forget. I just want to find a way to remember in peace.
I ask you to hug me, to tell me that I am counting on you, that you can take care of me and that you want to accompany me on this path ».
Finally, dear friend, I beg you to accept my mourning without interfering and to admit my suffering without resistance, I will always remember the love you offered me.